Hmmm....I'm not too sure if anyone reading this will be able to understand what I'm rattling on and on about, or say even relate to it....
Past 2 days have been pretty miserable. Well, not too sure how to really describe the feeling...its not like its miserable-miserable...its just one of those times when u feel 'lost' in this big world we live in, and everything that's happening around u just seems like a blur, or seems to have lost its meaning, when in actual fact it had some significance before...hmmm...am i making any sense? Its complicated hey? (gosh, so aussie!)
Its just weird how one's emotions and feelings change so quickly. Sometimes u're aware of the main cause behind the change, but it just gets all the more frustrating when u don't, or when u know there's a reason but just can't figure it out! Yea...so its just one of those days again!
Sometimes i know its denial...like how u know that this particular situation or reason is what's affecting u, u're conscious and aware of it, but u just sweep it to the back of ur head and pretend as if its not one of the reasons.....i know heaps of ppl do that, but everyone denies it! Its the weird psychological thingy that's going on within....how we always want to make ourselves appear like angels and hide/not accpet the flaws that lies within each of us (self-presentation theory....hahaha...i sound like some freaking psychologist who doesn't know what she's talking about!)
Friends of mine would probably know that by character and personality, I'm pretty much a perfectionist who likes things organised. I like structure. I plan alot...sometimes too much! (my housemates thinks that I plan too much and that i can be quite a freak at it!) I can be pretty stubborn and strong headed (eg: i ask someone for an opinion but in the end i'll always revert back to my own, so it's as good as not asking in the first place!) I have my serious side, especially when it boils down to work related stuff, but of coz i have that fun and bubbly side that most are familiar with.....it's to the extent that people know when i'm down or not myself! *so freaking obvious, coz i won't smile*
So yea, I have lived 21 years of my life now, gone thru much of the Sg education system, currently completing my 2nd yr of Uni, a wonderful and supportive family back home, great friends.....hmmmm....yet for the past 2 days my life has just suddenly seem to have lost its entire meaning. There are like tonnes of questions that have yet to be answered flaoting about in my head. My once clear path and goal of this university life has now raised more questions and doubts. It's hard coz i really love what i'm studying now, but i can just sit and stare at my books, the once fired and ready to go-full on attitude has just seemed to died off. It's like an oil lamp running low on oil (oh wow, what an analogy...ahaha!) Then, there's the good ol' friendship problems, i will not deny that i don't care, coz i treasure my friends alot. There's also the self-seeking problem, where as u grow, u do some soul searching, but in the end u just make ur life more complicated coz more stupid questions are raised!!!!! I try to ask myself what's wrong, but it all seems to be in a mess. I feel as if i'm suck in a huge maze (u know those enchanted mazes built from huge tall hedges)...like a sole person, lost within the maze, knowing that u have one goal in mind, and that is to get 'out' and 'free', but yet u do not know what stands in ur way, or what to expect ard each corner or bend. U feel trapped coz u can't look 'over' the tall hedges and u just have to walk the 'path' and keep trying till u do eventually find the 'exit'......ok did i make any sense at all? Pardon me....i'm a troubled gal! hahahha!
So yea, life's no bed of roses....its complicated! But then again, life would be too perfect for living if there wasn't as well! I really have no idea what i just talked about....i better just end it here for now....need to clear my head! Hmmm...maybe some sleep will do good....zzzzzz